A Christmas Dream

A Christmas Dream


Crackers to you and nuts of the season
Lovely mince pies with dollops of cream on
The warming glow of ginger wine
A tree with the lovely smell of pine

A joke, a hat and a plastic gew-gaw
Some bits of holly nailed to the door
Hanging lanterns and paper chains
The ever increasing weight gains

Time to stagger off to bed
Your paper hat upon your head
Fall asleep and begin to snore
Peace on earth for evermore

Tangle Beard

Tangle Beard


If your beard's in a tangle
Try putting it through a mangle
If that doesn't seem to work
Comb out the knots with a fork.

If your beard's all sticky with toffee
Try washing it out with beer from the "offy"
If that doesn't seem to do it
Pull it off and then re-glue it.

Emergency Beards

Emergency Beards


I have three emergency beards on my wall.
One dark, one grey and one sandy
I've never had a occasion to use them atall
But you never know when they'll come in handy

Leaving Puddles

Leaving Puddles


The librarians withering look
spoke volumes
As she gingerly handled
the sopping wet book
The novel way my duffle coat sleeve
acted like a down pipe
"Is it raining outside?" she enquired
as more water splashed onto her shoe.

Leaving puddles on the floor
I looked up
The droplet on my nose wobbled
and sploshed onto my toes
"No" I said, "Just a little poetic
dribble".

Chamber Of Chills

Chamber Of Chills


Step right up for the chamber of chills
Swallow these enormous pumpkin sized pills
Feel your head turning orange and green
Like a big ball of wool covered in cream

Strap yourself in to the runaway coffin
With just enough room for a skull and a boffin
Whose pouring a green liquid from outer space
And dwiddling some dials on your terrified face

See all the humpty back ghouls in their pits
Covered in vile gravy thats full of brown bits
And what's this I've found on the end of my tweezers?
A petrified wigwam full of old geezers

If You Go Down To The Woods Today

If You Go Down To The Woods Today


If you go down to the woods today
Watch out for the big floating eyes
The bears will be there too
Waiting for a big surprise

If all the bears that ever there was
Became hypnotised by the eyes
They would forget their picnics
Because todays the day for pies

Found Heads

Found Heads


Found a nicer head today
Under the stairs in a cupboard
It lay - looking up at me
I put the old one away
Tied on the new head with cord

But I soon became bored
With this noggin too
Found another that was stored
Inside the coal bunker
Stuck it on with glue

Soon fed up with head number three
The way it twitched and flopped
Looked at me funny
Even with the hair all cropped
Its nose was runny

Head number four was the best
I found it in the attic
Wrapped in an old string vest
It grins and its hair stands up
When I comb it full of static

Just One Concerto

Just One Concerto

Just one concerto
Give it to me
Drenching water stream
From Italy

Tomorrow will be too wet
The fire is out
My tubas and trumpets
No longer spout

Handel's Water Music
Is justly reliant
Forever spraying buildings
From my trusty appliance

The Great Flood

The Great Flood

Noah quickly closed the door
As the rain began to pour
All the animals were snug inside
The ark's great wooden hide

"Wait for us!" the fishes cried
Looking up at the stormy skies
But they were glad they were left out
As the Ark went up in the waterspout.

Squirrel Impulses

Squirrel Impulses

Nuts to those squirrel impulses
They make my brain itch
It makes my dandruff feel rough
Fluffs up my scalp like a witch

Nuts to those lemming aids
They curl my eyebrows
The tiny hairs in my ears quiver
Like the udders of mad cows

Nuts to that weasel feeling
You get when you eat carrots
It may may you see in the dark
But it gives you a beak like a parrot

Invermess

Invermess


Welcome to Invermess
Where the streets are paved with thistles
The parks are full of recycled kilts
The pavements strewn with whistles

Piles of cornflakes everywhere
In every nook and cranny
Corners full of wrappers
From sweeties sucked by Grannie

Every garden every park
Has rubbish up to your knees
This town is messy but
Not as smelly as Dungdee.

Dusty Bluebells

Dusty Bluebells


In and out the dusty bluebells
In and out the dusty bluebells
With my hoover in my grasp
Sucking up the dust
As the sun goes down at last

In and out the hoover goes
Underneath the flowers
Sucking up the seeds and stones
Beneath the shadey bowers

In and out the dusty bluebells
In and out the dusty bluebells
Around the flower tubs
Somethings blocking up the tube
I think it's worms and slugs

Angel Of The Hi-Fi Corner Fitment

Angel Of The Hi-Fi Corner Fitment


Hi-fi
Corner fitment
It plays old bent records
They sound quite heavenly to me
Angel

Communication Blocks

Communication Blocks

Erm erm- squiggle germ
Umm de umm de tiggle squirm
Oh it's - you know - er very
Much like mmmmmn.... whatsit
Erm erm - something heavy

Sam's Pig

Haiku


Sam's pig looked up at the moon
I wonder - he thought
Is it really made of cheese?

The Great Train Robbery

The Great Train Robbery

Zoot alors!
Quick fetch a gendarme
The thieving wretch has my train
Under one arm
Trying to swap it for a loaf
The awful oaf!

Mon dieu!
My chermin de fer
Has been stolen by a wily woman
With curly hair
Stop her before it's too late
And they close the crossing gate

Shoplifters

Shoplifters

Shoplifters came and took my shop
They carried it off
With several others from our block
The butcher, the baker and the iron-mongers
I wonder where they took it?
Why did they leave the bookies
And the shop that sells knitting wool?
Did they think that wasn't cool?
Or maybe just too heavy
With all those pork chops.

The Snowman

The Snowman


As I walked passed some leafless trees
I thought I heard a stifled sneeze
There around a holly bush
Was a snowman with a brush

He was sneezing ever louder
From his hat he shook some powder
A mighty sneeze then rent the air
And made me wet my underwear

A carrot shot past like a rocket
A lump of coal fell from its socket
His twiggy grin was there no more
Just a heap of slush upon the floor

Martian Poem

Martian Poem

Pping ookOO AraEEdle!!
EEdEEdle EEt EEooFi OOk
Ppings OuBooDooF TEE eeNooTH
OOls EEoRee AllOO Um WAh Wappsli
Urbli E,E,E,F megoHILOh iCROheGoh
eggers Ohmme MeGOH ERo-Resi IcroH OO

Hi Ho Silver Sponge

Hi Ho Silver Sponge

You look new every time. It's a pre-metric ratio
We had last Christmas, out of the big hoodoo
Mole smooth coat, banana bright mush
That gob rimmed eye like a tiny duckling
All for the spatter of cheese on a brush

Well, it's fluffed out, and well thumbed
Jabbing your tongs at old biscuit crumbs
While a piddock or two, so jelly like
They seem to drip extensive watery cress
On the handlebars of my bike

The Beautiful Vanity Of Slag

The Beautiful Vanity Of Slag

The beautiful vanity of slag
which with noxious flu

Behind them heart, liver and kidneys
and indeed the tiny nostrils

Who gather by the briquettes
with their tiny rubbery bananas

Loose and collapsed umbrella
unfolding over party squeakers

The spiders feet and fingers
in the flared trousers

Also the frothy blob of custard
the sausages, with thin trails

Of dwarfs behind them and ofcourse
the overhead nuts and the descending

Broken tooth and brown like noodles
hair and the wooden lavatory seats

White elephant picnicking by the plughole
and the black metal balls and the nose

Which blows rustling the budgie
rustling the cheese roll as it goes by

Privy Council

Privy Council

We are all gathered here today
To play some musical notes
On the big smiling instrument
Made from old ships buoys
Hand crafted in the sheds
Of old fisherfolk from driftwood
Casks and barrels
Bits of flotsam and jetsam
With the buzzing of insects
The chirping of birds
And the flush of the cistern

Thing Spring

Thing Spring

little to thing to periwinkle
spring, to spring, a thing
spring, spring, a tears. fiddler
spring, fiddler for fiddler periwinkle
wing, for periwinkle on wing,
little a years, fiddler fiddler

(Poem put through the Dadaist Poetry generator - twice.)

Squid and Pygmies

Squid and Pygmies

The manuring be lookin' nice,
The crack be in bloom,
Across vast l'aves grey backed trays
I've yur'd the vermin tune.

The rumbles be a pullin' out
The broccoli cut and nate
And father's plums be master strong
'En he's fungicides a trate

Us sausages in the house at all
For mother's on spring whistling
His bate feels like a rubber ball
Or whiten up a thistling

'En I've a faylin' like a giant rhubarb
To kick me logbarry art
Piled high with me warm pustules
In a dung encrusted cart.