Saturday, 17 December 2011

Frosty The Glue Man

While shepherds turn their clocks by day and nightly hoots the snow
All sparkly comes the angels with their wings and noses glow
The sheeps all baa and ducks all moo all seated round the byre
And snowmen melt some lovely cheese upon the festive fire

My stockings filled with tangerines and puddings hot and steaming
Down the chimney Santa comes with his eyes all dreaming
His beard is tangled in his sleigh bells ringing
All the elves are sloshed and round the piano singing

So a merry yulelog I say unto you my chirpy chum
May all your New years wishes be rolled into one
A great big hairy snowball with holly on the top
Comes flying through the window and hits you with a pop

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

The Mad Hatted Tea Party

The Mad Hatted Tea Party

Batty about his bowler
He threw and tantrum in his topper
His trilby made him tremble
His titfer was a terrible cropper
Off his rocker in his beret
The last straw was a loopy bonnet
With NUTCASE written right upon it!

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Greenhouse Effect

OH, please yourselves! Titter ye not! Ooh no missus. Not on your nellie! No, stoppit - it's a shame!

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Monkey Business

Monkey Business

I'm Jock The Leg (diddle widdle wimp )
With my extra chimp
Just what do Scotsmen have under their kilts?
Does it like bananas or quilts?
Does it make him walk with a limp?

Monday, 19 September 2011

Unusual Holidays Again

Unusual Holidays Again

Broccoli knobbling in Bovey Tracey

Tub thumping in Ilfracombe

Jumping around a lot in Iceland

Ferret fondling in Shepton Mallet

Bruce Forsyth spotting in Tescos

Slippin' and a slidin' in Llandudno

Cork engraving in the Algarve

Frosty reception on the Gower peninsula

Friday, 2 September 2011

Out Through The Inn Door

In Out The Inn Door

In one door and out another
With a double bass
An old weighing machine
And a parcel from my Mother

Friday, 24 June 2011

Jim's Shed

Jim's Shed

At the bottom of the garden
Tucked away behind the greenhouse
Is Jim's shed
A place of wonder and confusion
Flower pots and rusty tools
Is Jim's shed
A treasure trove of paint pots
Old records and spools of tape
Was Jim's shed
A place to hide and escape
From all the kids and the missus
Is Jim's shed


Come on down to Jim's shed
It's lovely down at jim's shed
Get the old kettle on
Down at Jim's shed
Let's all have a cuppa tea
Down at Jim's shed

Car Boot Sale

Car Boot Sale

You can buy all manner of stuff
Scratchy records covered in fluff
Tins of pins and rusty metal
A bit of a spout from some old kettle

There's no toilets as you can see
But you can go behind a handy tree
Or just there where the sign says "gents"
Between the hot dogs and the wonky fence

Clothes that have seen better days
Books, comics and novelty ash trays
Oh please lets hope its sunny
I wanna go out and spend some money!

Unusual Holidays

Unusual Holidays.

Ive been on some unusual holidays in my time
Like whittling potatoes at Newcastle Under Lyme
Pheasant plucking in Portsmouth also comes to mind
I've been on some unusual holidays in my time

I've been on some unusual holidays in my day
Like riding a camel across Cardiff Bay
Skiing down the the middle of ther Wembly Way
I've been on some un ususual holidays in my day

I've been on some unusual holidays in my life
Like jumping off the top of the Old Man Of Fife
In Margate where I went duck hunting with the wife
I've been on some unusual holidays in my life

It's A Funny Old Street


Mr. Jones and number twenty four
Has a coupla'cabbages nailed to his door
Mrs. Brown at number thirty five
Has thirteen elephants blockin' her drive

Its a funny old street
A bleedin' funny old street

Old Mr .Simpson from number forty two
Has a giant cactus growing in his loo
The Smiths from number fifty three
Have a gorilla in their monkey puzzle tree

His Twang Was The Thang

His Twang Was The Thang

His twang was the thang
The chords they rang out like springs
Bounced around the strings like klang
Or other excited bees with stings
Jam covered and infested with notes
Goats and enormous cow bells rang
Above the clouds they rained down
Like elasticated yo-yo's
Elevated to the highest crown

Monday, 13 June 2011

Charity Shop

Charity Shop

I popped into my local charity shop
Had a good rummage through the shelves full of tat
Through all the boxes of wonderful slop
The charity shop is where it's at

I bought an old scratchy record, a wobbly pen
A book that smelled like a musty old shed
Some tapes with old films on from way back when
A shop window dummy with a removable head

It's amazing what you find there
To some people it's junk and not worth a jot
But to others it's treasure most fair
I fill my carrier bag up right to the top!

Monday, 25 April 2011

I Suspect Fowl Play

I Suspect Fowl Play

I suspect fowl play
said Inspector Bird of the Yard
As he ate his sandwich
Made with luncheon meat and lard

This man has been stifled to death
With a nasty brown egg
And thrown from the roof by
A duck with one leg

He's been shot full of pellets
By a psychotic quail
And stabbed by a pheasant
With a fine pointy nail

Friday, 18 February 2011

Das Boot

Das Boot

There was an old herring that lived in a shoe
He invited some friends round to go for a cruise
They all sailed away in that salty old flipper
The giraffe, the meercats, the pig and the kipper.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011



I was laughing fit to bust
Laughing so much
I thought I'd pop
All the buttons on my shirt
I laughed so much
It hurt

I just couldn't stop laughing
What a hoot!
I thought my sides would split
They did!
And what's more
All my funny bones
Fell out on the floor!

Monday, 24 January 2011

There Was A Young Girl Named Adela

There Was A Young Girl Named Adela

There was a young girl named Adela
Who was extremely fond of Nutella
She ate it with bread
And covered her head
With a Nutella encrusted umbrella!