Old Madame "Impossible"

Old Madame "Impossible"

Old fowl casserole that I'm friendly with's
Taken a downturn: hennaed, bone fallen;
Bedraggled, triped. Shoes mud-caked,
worm infested. All the hard boiled egg
With their rubber tips have left her,
Only the baggy crow and the wood lice stay on.
She flaps about windily in her jumbo sized radishes
Flowery eyes glazed, with lots of warts
Of dissolution. Jelly and toffee.
Add their pig cubes to hers.
She keeps in a cardboard box,
Being fitted with a frosted fur-gloved ear.
Too wise to mention the wallpaper paste of hope.
Subversive forces which needs no pea sticks.

Planting A Bodger

Planting A Bodger

The turnip, with earthy cloth cap, with a face,
Bursting with udders of long leafy snuff
A large shining boiler, abandoned teat cups,
Shall call my gooseberries of vigorous pumps.

This badger is a curios chattering nozzle,
To that gadget tweezered between two pieces of wire.
A few pitiful sprigs with dangling legs of ink.
The inflatable rubber moustache attached to the primer.

Travel Diaries Of A Worm

Travel Diaries Of A Worm

I'd like to be a long fat armchair
And live in jungles near a pear
I'd writhe and reel, and twist and squirm
Around the shed, so tall and firm

I'd catch potatoes and around them coil
And make his bagels begin to boil
I'd crush him until he's nearly lumpy
And looking at his face quite grumpy

I would be coloured pink and navy blue
And look as bad as skunks can do
I'd squeeze my slugs and squash them thin
And only you will see my wormy grin

Performance Art

Performance Art

At dusk the wingless hollow blob climbs
Her sea-squirts mast and lights her lamp
To lure the airbourne lump-sucker
Her wood louse ugly lavatory bowl
As though by magic beautiful
A chip of cold parsnip trowel

While cruising urgent belly upward
Line ten deep bun tins with X-chromozomes
And join the female sandwich surprise
To consummate her eleventh hour
Though common once in any heap
Those magic tadpoles now are flowers

Limerick

There Was A Young Lady Of Leeds

There was a young lady of Leeds
Who was managing to crack some small seeds
Till she was rarely seen without
Some "cheap and nasty" white tile grout
And your specific management needs

Wigwam Warmer

Wigwam Warmer

The wigwam contains-
Sage, scallop, shin, skate and suet outside
The blues, the greens, the dead skunk
Burn multi-coloured bee infested grease
And the wings of haddock and hot green paste
Clash in a cacophony of pineapple chunks

But with their serviettes well tucked in
There is a shimmering of muted doggy bread
Sinking through Droitwich
Amongst the valley glades of tuning forks

Harold The Worm

Harold The Worm

His diet was sauteed graffiti
And milk, oats and objects trouves
Thimbles and 33 postmen's shoes
With sand to scour his ravioli

On whole canned pineapple he regaled
On a scalding hot face-flannel
And when his eyes and nostril channel
The light from his truncheon failed

Belgium

Belgium


Belgium, where the native prawn
Peers from an old gum tree
Home of enchantment - remote and rare
Fair gem of the Northern Sea

Eskimos hunt the blue armadillo
And polish it's scales with brie
They knit their socks from the whiskers
Of the delinquent black-eyed pea

Battery Driven Blips

Have test borings made
Poets in well drained soil
Fling the beam with a purple spade
Battery driven blips in oil

Secret of the compact folding shell
That chimney reveals
The modern midget buzz plant smell
Like the aftershave of eels

The Sleeping Mangle

The Sleeping Mangle

The scent of penguin fills the air
Amid the sea-squirt sheets she lies
The curious scrolls in her hair
The sticky globules in her eyes

How many a changing puffin flip
But if the ball-like nodules race
Her oblong fruit broods over it
The silver turnips of the days

Changing Hutches

Changing Hutches

I wish Changing Rooms would change my hutch
Just a few alterations and the feminine touch
It wouldn't take much.

Just the cracks filled and the straw moved about
The odd potted palm and some stencilled motifs
In the shape of some carrots or maybe a sprout
Perhaps a jacuzzi and Etruscan reliefs

Nothing pretentious,flashy or glib
Just a nice little pad for a cool guinea pig.


(From Taking My Human For A Walk compiled by Roger Stevens. Published by Macmillan 2003 )

The Old Curiosity Shop

The Old Curiosity Shop

I opened the door and walked right on it
And found myself back on the outside again
I peered through the window and what did I see?
Myself - looking back from the inside at me!

I went round the back and knocked on the door
Something knocked back, and then gave a roar
I peeked through the letterbox, and to my surprise
I was staring straight into three bloodshot eyes.

I ran all the way home like a dog from a trap
And woke up my dad who was having a nap
"I remember that shop," he said with a frown.
"About ten years ago - they pulled the place down!"


(Taken from the collection Let's Recycle Grandad compiled by Roger Stevens. Published by A & C Black )

Mothmen

Mothmen

The Mothmen from the planet Zog
Came to our house one night
Nibbled all our tasty clothes
Attracted by the light

They chewed my Dad's new trousers
And all my Mum's posh frocks
But flew back home to planet Zog
When they sniffed my brother's socks!

The Electric Slug

I saw it advertised in a trendy magazine
"The Electric Slug" - it sounded the best
A Japanese electronic robot machine
For ridding your garden of all it's pests
It's a sort of cyber-pet
That doesn't need feeding or the vet
Just a battery and an electrician
In case it blows a fuse or gets
It's wires crossed when on a mission

It's clever sensors follow trails
The real slugs make (and also snails)
And when it catches up with them
It gives them quite a nasty jolt
Filling them with 10,000 volts
And for a piece de resistance
Bungs them over next door's fence!

Alphabet Of Sick Fruit

A is for apricots under the weather
B is for bananas with yellow fever
C is for cranberries with a terrible sneeze
D is for dates with a horrible wheeze
E is for elderberries with water retention
F is for figs with a fungal infection
G is for grapes with bad flakey skin
H is for rose hips that need replacing
I is for incredible jumping plum disease
J is for juniper with knobbly knees
K is for kiwi fruit with galloping scurf
L is for lychees all covered in fluff
M is for mango with in-growing pips
N is for nectarine with old dry chapped lips
O is for oranges suffering from scurvy
P is for pineapple all jumpy and nervy
Q is for quince who are feeling unwell
R is for raspberries beginning to smell
S is for satsumas full of all kinds of woes
T is for tomatoes like a clown's nose
U is for unhappy lemons left out of the L's
V is for vanilla with no sense of smell
W is for watermelon feeling se-sicky
O dear, this last bit gets a bit tricky!
X,Y and Z fruits I never have met
So that is the end of my sick alphabet

Sci-Fi Fo Fum

Sci-fi fo fum
I smell the slime of an alien
Be it green
Or be it smelly
It'll have to wait
While I eat this jelly

Rabbit Haiku

Flo was a grumpy rabbit
The Victor Meldrew
Of the hutch thumper bunnies


Budgie Haiku

Poor pub budgie breathes in smoke
She begins to choke
And lays a smoke filled grey egg

(Written before the smoking ban)

Popeye Haiku

Olive went to kiss Popeye
But recoils, aghast
At the spinach on his teeth

Laughing

I was laughing fit to bust
Laughing so much
I thought I'd pop
All the buttons on my shirt
I laughed so much it hurt

I just couldn't stop laughing
What a hoot!
I thought my sides would split
They did, and what's more
All my funny bones
Fell out upon the floor