A Christmas Dream

A Christmas Dream


Crackers to you and nuts of the season
Lovely mince pies with dollops of cream on
The warming glow of ginger wine
A tree with the lovely smell of pine

A joke, a hat and a plastic gew-gaw
Some bits of holly nailed to the door
Hanging lanterns and paper chains
The ever increasing weight gains

Time to stagger off to bed
Your paper hat upon your head
Fall asleep and begin to snore
Peace on earth for evermore

Tangle Beard

Tangle Beard


If your beard's in a tangle
Try putting it through a mangle
If that doesn't seem to work
Comb out the knots with a fork.

If your beard's all sticky with toffee
Try washing it out with beer from the "offy"
If that doesn't seem to do it
Pull it off and then re-glue it.

Emergency Beards

Emergency Beards


I have three emergency beards on my wall.
One dark, one grey and one sandy
I've never had a occasion to use them atall
But you never know when they'll come in handy

Leaving Puddles

Leaving Puddles


The librarians withering look
spoke volumes
As she gingerly handled
the sopping wet book
The novel way my duffle coat sleeve
acted like a down pipe
"Is it raining outside?" she enquired
as more water splashed onto her shoe.

Leaving puddles on the floor
I looked up
The droplet on my nose wobbled
and sploshed onto my toes
"No" I said, "Just a little poetic
dribble".

Chamber Of Chills

Chamber Of Chills


Step right up for the chamber of chills
Swallow these enormous pumpkin sized pills
Feel your head turning orange and green
Like a big ball of wool covered in cream

Strap yourself in to the runaway coffin
With just enough room for a skull and a boffin
Whose pouring a green liquid from outer space
And dwiddling some dials on your terrified face

See all the humpty back ghouls in their pits
Covered in vile gravy thats full of brown bits
And what's this I've found on the end of my tweezers?
A petrified wigwam full of old geezers

If You Go Down To The Woods Today

If You Go Down To The Woods Today


If you go down to the woods today
Watch out for the big floating eyes
The bears will be there too
Waiting for a big surprise

If all the bears that ever there was
Became hypnotised by the eyes
They would forget their picnics
Because todays the day for pies

Found Heads

Found Heads


Found a nicer head today
Under the stairs in a cupboard
It lay - looking up at me
I put the old one away
Tied on the new head with cord

But I soon became bored
With this noggin too
Found another that was stored
Inside the coal bunker
Stuck it on with glue

Soon fed up with head number three
The way it twitched and flopped
Looked at me funny
Even with the hair all cropped
Its nose was runny

Head number four was the best
I found it in the attic
Wrapped in an old string vest
It grins and its hair stands up
When I comb it full of static