If You Go Down To The Woods Today

If You Go Down To The Woods Today


If you go down to the woods today
Watch out for the big floating eyes
The bears will be there too
Waiting for a big surprise

If all the bears that ever there was
Became hypnotised by the eyes
They would forget their picnics
Because todays the day for pies

Found Heads

Found Heads


Found a nicer head today
Under the stairs in a cupboard
It lay - looking up at me
I put the old one away
Tied on the new head with cord

But I soon became bored
With this noggin too
Found another that was stored
Inside the coal bunker
Stuck it on with glue

Soon fed up with head number three
The way it twitched and flopped
Looked at me funny
Even with the hair all cropped
Its nose was runny

Head number four was the best
I found it in the attic
Wrapped in an old string vest
It grins and its hair stands up
When I comb it full of static

Just One Concerto

Just One Concerto

Just one concerto
Give it to me
Drenching water stream
From Italy

Tomorrow will be too wet
The fire is out
My tubas and trumpets
No longer spout

Handel's Water Music
Is justly reliant
Forever spraying buildings
From my trusty appliance

The Great Flood

The Great Flood

Noah quickly closed the door
As the rain began to pour
All the animals were snug inside
The ark's great wooden hide

"Wait for us!" the fishes cried
Looking up at the stormy skies
But they were glad they were left out
As the Ark went up in the waterspout.

Squirrel Impulses

Squirrel Impulses

Nuts to those squirrel impulses
They make my brain itch
It makes my dandruff feel rough
Fluffs up my scalp like a witch

Nuts to those lemming aids
They curl my eyebrows
The tiny hairs in my ears quiver
Like the udders of mad cows

Nuts to that weasel feeling
You get when you eat carrots
It may may you see in the dark
But it gives you a beak like a parrot

Invermess

Invermess


Welcome to Invermess
Where the streets are paved with thistles
The parks are full of recycled kilts
The pavements strewn with whistles

Piles of cornflakes everywhere
In every nook and cranny
Corners full of wrappers
From sweeties sucked by Grannie

Every garden every park
Has rubbish up to your knees
This town is messy but
Not as smelly as Dungdee.

Dusty Bluebells

Dusty Bluebells


In and out the dusty bluebells
In and out the dusty bluebells
With my hoover in my grasp
Sucking up the dust
As the sun goes down at last

In and out the hoover goes
Underneath the flowers
Sucking up the seeds and stones
Beneath the shadey bowers

In and out the dusty bluebells
In and out the dusty bluebells
Around the flower tubs
Somethings blocking up the tube
I think it's worms and slugs