The Great Train Robbery

The Great Train Robbery

Zoot alors!
Quick fetch a gendarme
The thieving wretch has my train
Under one arm
Trying to swap it for a loaf
The awful oaf!

Mon dieu!
My chermin de fer
Has been stolen by a wily woman
With curly hair
Stop her before it's too late
And they close the crossing gate

Shoplifters

Shoplifters

Shoplifters came and took my shop
They carried it off
With several others from our block
The butcher, the baker and the iron-mongers
I wonder where they took it?
Why did they leave the bookies
And the shop that sells knitting wool?
Did they think that wasn't cool?
Or maybe just too heavy
With all those pork chops.

The Snowman

The Snowman


As I walked passed some leafless trees
I thought I heard a stifled sneeze
There around a holly bush
Was a snowman with a brush

He was sneezing ever louder
From his hat he shook some powder
A mighty sneeze then rent the air
And made me wet my underwear

A carrot shot past like a rocket
A lump of coal fell from its socket
His twiggy grin was there no more
Just a heap of slush upon the floor

Martian Poem

Martian Poem

Pping ookOO AraEEdle!!
EEdEEdle EEt EEooFi OOk
Ppings OuBooDooF TEE eeNooTH
OOls EEoRee AllOO Um WAh Wappsli
Urbli E,E,E,F megoHILOh iCROheGoh
eggers Ohmme MeGOH ERo-Resi IcroH OO

Hi Ho Silver Sponge

Hi Ho Silver Sponge

You look new every time. It's a pre-metric ratio
We had last Christmas, out of the big hoodoo
Mole smooth coat, banana bright mush
That gob rimmed eye like a tiny duckling
All for the spatter of cheese on a brush

Well, it's fluffed out, and well thumbed
Jabbing your tongs at old biscuit crumbs
While a piddock or two, so jelly like
They seem to drip extensive watery cress
On the handlebars of my bike

The Beautiful Vanity Of Slag

The Beautiful Vanity Of Slag

The beautiful vanity of slag
which with noxious flu

Behind them heart, liver and kidneys
and indeed the tiny nostrils

Who gather by the briquettes
with their tiny rubbery bananas

Loose and collapsed umbrella
unfolding over party squeakers

The spiders feet and fingers
in the flared trousers

Also the frothy blob of custard
the sausages, with thin trails

Of dwarfs behind them and ofcourse
the overhead nuts and the descending

Broken tooth and brown like noodles
hair and the wooden lavatory seats

White elephant picnicking by the plughole
and the black metal balls and the nose

Which blows rustling the budgie
rustling the cheese roll as it goes by

Privy Council

Privy Council

We are all gathered here today
To play some musical notes
On the big smiling instrument
Made from old ships buoys
Hand crafted in the sheds
Of old fisherfolk from driftwood
Casks and barrels
Bits of flotsam and jetsam
With the buzzing of insects
The chirping of birds
And the flush of the cistern