Maggie's Farm

Maggies Farm


I'm not going back to Maggie's farm no more
She kept leaving pig swill on top of the doors
Cows were rolling themselves off the barn
Chickens with machine guns caused a lot of alarm

The pigs were intent on causing a riot
Horses kept gambling way into the night
Drinking strong liquor and swearing profusely
The geese were all leery and thoroughly goosey



That farm is a nightmare of animal mayhem

Postage Increases

Postage Increases

Damn these postage increases
My letters now have to be ironed
To fit them through that slitty thing
They mess around with at the post office

Parcels are filled with helium
To make them eligible for a discount
Our sent by surface where they languish
On the quayside surrounded by natives

Frosty The Glue Man

While shepherds turn their clocks by day and nightly hoots the snow
All sparkly comes the angels with their wings and noses glow
The sheeps all baa and ducks all moo all seated round the byre
And snowmen melt some lovely cheese upon the festive fire

My stockings filled with tangerines and puddings hot and steaming
Down the chimney Santa comes with his eyes all dreaming
His beard is tangled in his sleigh bells ringing
All the elves are sloshed and round the piano singing

So a merry yulelog I say unto you my chirpy chum
May all your New years wishes be rolled into one
A great big hairy snowball with holly on the top
Comes flying through the window and hits you with a pop

The Mad Hatted Tea Party

The Mad Hatted Tea Party

Batty about his bowler

He threw and tantrum in his topper

His trilby made him tremble

His titfer was a terrible cropper

Off his rocker in his beret

The last straw was a loopy bonnet

With NUTCASE written right upon it!

Greenhouse Effect

OH, please yourselves! Titter ye not! Ooh no missus. Not on your nellie! No, stoppit - it's a shame!

Monkey Business

Monkey Business

I'm Jock The Leg (diddle widdle wimp )

With my extra chimp

Just what do Scotsmen have under their kilts?

Does it like bananas or quilts?

Does it make him walk with a limp?

Unusual Holidays Again

Unusual Holidays Again


Broccoli knobbling in Bovey Tracey

Tub thumping in Ilfracombe

Jumping around a lot in Iceland

Ferret fondling in Shepton Mallet

Bruce Forsyth spotting in Tescos

Slippin' and a slidin' in Llandudno

Cork engraving in the Algarve

Frosty reception on the Gower peninsula