THE LAUGHING SHED

Maggie's Farm

2012-01-17T02:06:00.001-08:00

Maggies Farm

I'm not going back to Maggie's farm no more
She kept leaving pig swill on top of the doors
Cows were rolling themselves off the barn
Chickens with machine guns caused a lot of alarm

The pigs were intent on causing a riot
Horses kept gambling way into the night
Drinking strong liquor and swearing profusely
The geese were all leery and thoroughly goosey

That farm is a nightmare of animal mayhem

Postage Increases

2012-01-11T05:41:00.000-08:00

Postage Increases

Damn these postage increases
My letters now have to be ironed
To fit them through that slitty thing
They mess around with at the post office

Parcels are filled with helium
To make them eligible for a discount
Our sent by surface where they languish
On the quayside surrounded by natives

Frosty The Glue Man

2011-12-17T07:41:00.000-08:00

While shepherds turn their clocks by day and nightly hoots the snow
All sparkly comes the angels with their wings and noses glow
The sheeps all baa and ducks all moo all seated round the byre
And snowmen melt some lovely cheese upon the festive fire

My stockings filled with tangerines and puddings hot and steaming
Down the chimney Santa comes with his eyes all dreaming
His beard is tangled in his sleigh bells ringing
All the elves are sloshed and round the piano singing

So a merry yulelog I say unto you my chirpy chum
May all your New years wishes be rolled into one
A great big hairy snowball with holly on the top
Comes flying through the window and hits you with a pop

The Mad Hatted Tea Party

2011-11-15T07:15:00.000-08:00

The Mad Hatted Tea Party

Batty about his bowler

He threw and tantrum in his topper

His trilby made him tremble

His titfer was a terrible cropper

Off his rocker in his beret

The last straw was a loopy bonnet

With NUTCASE written right upon it!

Greenhouse Effect

2011-11-13T23:59:00.000-08:00

OH, please yourselves! Titter ye not! Ooh no missus. Not on your nellie! No, stoppit - it's a shame!

Monkey Business

2011-10-09T00:20:00.000-07:00

Monkey Business

I'm Jock The Leg (diddle widdle wimp )

With my extra chimp

Just what do Scotsmen have under their kilts?

Does it like bananas or quilts?

Does it make him walk with a limp?

Unusual Holidays Again

2011-09-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

Unusual Holidays Again

Broccoli knobbling in Bovey Tracey

Tub thumping in Ilfracombe

Jumping around a lot in Iceland

Ferret fondling in Shepton Mallet

Bruce Forsyth spotting in Tescos

Slippin' and a slidin' in Llandudno

Cork engraving in the Algarve

Frosty reception on the Gower peninsula

Out Through The Inn Door

2011-09-02T02:49:00.000-07:00

In Out The Inn Door

In one door and out another
With a double bass
An old weighing machine
And a parcel from my Mother

Jim's Shed

2011-06-24T02:46:00.000-07:00

Jim's Shed

At the bottom of the garden
Tucked away behind the greenhouse
Is Jim's shed
A place of wonder and confusion
Flower pots and rusty tools
Is Jim's shed
A treasure trove of paint pots
Old records and spools of tape
Was Jim's shed
A place to hide and escape
From all the kids and the missus
Is Jim's shed

Chorus

Come on down to Jim's shed
It's lovely down at jim's shed
Get the old kettle on
Down at Jim's shed
Let's all have a cuppa tea
Down at Jim's shed

Car Boot Sale

2011-06-24T02:35:00.001-07:00

Car Boot Sale

You can buy all manner of stuff
Scratchy records covered in fluff
Tins of pins and rusty metal
A bit of a spout from some old kettle

There's no toilets as you can see
But you can go behind a handy tree
Or just there where the sign says "gents"
Between the hot dogs and the wonky fence

Clothes that have seen better days
Books, comics and novelty ash trays
Oh please lets hope its sunny
I wanna go out and spend some money!

Unusual Holidays

2011-06-24T02:32:00.001-07:00

Unusual Holidays.

Ive been on some unusual holidays in my time
Like whittling potatoes at Newcastle Under Lyme
Pheasant plucking in Portsmouth also comes to mind
I've been on some unusual holidays in my time

I've been on some unusual holidays in my day
Like riding a camel across Cardiff Bay
Skiing down the the middle of ther Wembly Way
I've been on some un ususual holidays in my day

I've been on some unusual holidays in my life
Like jumping off the top of the Old Man Of Fife
In Margate where I went duck hunting with the wife
I've been on some unusual holidays in my life

It's A Funny Old Street

2011-06-24T02:28:00.000-07:00

IT'S A FUNNY OLD STREET

Mr. Jones and number twenty four
Has a coupla'cabbages nailed to his door
Mrs. Brown at number thirty five
Has thirteen elephants blockin' her drive

Chorus-
Its a funny old street
A bleedin' funny old street

Old Mr .Simpson from number forty two
Has a giant cactus growing in his loo
The Smiths from number fifty three
Have a gorilla in their monkey puzzle tree

His Twang Was The Thang

2011-06-24T02:09:00.000-07:00

His Twang Was The Thang

His twang was the thang
The chords they rang out like springs
Bounced around the strings like klang
Or other excited bees with stings
Jam covered and infested with notes
Goats and enormous cow bells rang
Above the clouds they rained down
Like elasticated yo-yo's
Elevated to the highest crown

Charity Shop

2011-06-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

Charity Shop

I popped into my local charity shop
Had a good rummage through the shelves full of tat
Through all the boxes of wonderful slop
The charity shop is where it's at

I bought an old scratchy record, a wobbly pen
A book that smelled like a musty old shed
Some tapes with old films on from way back when
A shop window dummy with a removable head

It's amazing what you find there
To some people it's junk and not worth a jot
But to others it's treasure most fair
I fill my carrier bag up right to the top!

I Suspect Fowl Play

2011-04-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

I Suspect Fowl Play

I suspect fowl play
said Inspector Bird of the Yard
As he ate his sandwich
Made with luncheon meat and lard

This man has been stifled to death
With a nasty brown egg
And thrown from the roof by
A duck with one leg

He's been shot full of pellets
By a psychotic quail
And stabbed by a pheasant
With a fine pointy nail

Das Boot

2011-02-18T04:57:00.000-08:00

Das Boot

There was an old herring that lived in a shoe
He invited some friends round to go for a cruise
They all sailed away in that salty old flipper
The giraffe, the meercats, the pig and the kipper.

Laughing

2011-02-09T00:08:00.000-08:00

Laughing

I was laughing fit to bust
Laughing so much
I thought I'd pop
All the buttons on my shirt
I laughed so much
It hurt

I just couldn't stop laughing
What a hoot!
I thought my sides would split
They did!
And what's more
All my funny bones
Fell out on the floor!

There Was A Young Girl Named Adela

2011-01-24T06:24:00.000-08:00

There Was A Young Girl Named Adela

There was a young girl named Adela
Who was extremely fond of Nutella
She ate it with bread
And covered her head
With a Nutella encrusted umbrella!

Travel Diary Of A Worm

2010-11-28T06:28:00.000-08:00

My Favourite Things

2010-11-19T05:36:00.000-08:00

My Favourite Things

Sleigh bells, donuts and bright wooly kittens
Bright copper kettles filled up with mittens
Brown paper pumpkins tied up with string
These are a few of my favourite things

A Fun Guy To Be With

2010-11-08T00:42:00.000-08:00

A Fun Guy To Be With

Off to the glowing woods we go
To find fungi hiding under the trees
Behind those dripping clumps of weeds
Get down on your hands and knees
And give the little puff ball a squeeze

Pile up high the toadstools
Gather them in their dozens
Be careful though as some are sticky
Make you sick and a bit icky
Choosing can be sometimes tricky

Cubis United

2010-07-27T05:48:00.000-07:00

Cubis United

My team is Cubis United
They are the best in all the land
Always ready for a game
With every team around

Heading the ball is difficult
Because they have no heads
Just blocks of oak and chestnut
And cubes of sycamore

But they can kick and dribble
As fast any Renaldo
Their heads maybe made of wood
But their feet are made of lightning

Noah's Bus

2010-06-29T07:34:00.000-07:00

Noah's Bus

Noah had no time to wait
For the building of the ark
They all piled on the number 8
And jumped off at the park

Alphabet Of Sick Fruit

2010-05-09T23:01:00.001-07:00

Alphabet Of Sick Fruit

A is for apricots under the weather
B is for bananas with yellow fever
C is for cranberries feeling very sneezy, hah!
D is for dates with galloping amnesia
E is for elderberries with water retention
F is for figs with a fungal infection
G is for grapes with terrible skin
H is for rose hips that need replacing
I is for incredible jumping plum disease
J is for juniper with knobbly knees
K is for kiwi fruit with rotten dandruff
L is for lychees all covered in fluff
M is for mango wityh in-growing pips
N is for nectarine with dry old chapped lips
O is for oranges suffering with scurvy
P is for pineapples all jumpy and nervy
Q is for quince who are feeling unwell
R is for raspberries beginning to smell
S is for satsumas with all kinds of woes
T is for tomatoes like a clown's nose
U is for unhappy lemons left out of the L's
V is for vanilla with no sense of smell
W is for watermelon feeling sea-sicky

O dear this last bit gets quite tricky!
X,Y and Z fruits, I have never met
So that's the end of my sick alphabet

Brussel Sprouts From Venus

2010-05-09T22:52:00.000-07:00

Brussel Sprouts From Venus

Brussel sprouts from Venus
They are the vilest and meanest
Alien life forms to invade our turf
I've seen those evil vegetables
Landing in their flying collanders
Smelling like nothing on earth

Gruesome gherkins from Jupiter
Dripping with slime and covered in hair
Ray guns at their hips
They rampage across our planet
Zapping everything that moves
Spitting out seeds and poisonous pips

Red raging rhubarb from Mars
Pickled onions in their flying jars
Putrid potatoes with nasty green eyes
All hell bent on world domination
I really will not rest
Until they are caught and put in pies

High Society

2010-04-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

High Society

Nibbles at two? I don't mind if I do
I say, the evening air is a bit nippy up here
Shall we retire to the drawing room for sherry
Or would you rather have a small beer

Wonderful view of the stars don't you know
Quite delightfully spiffy
Jeeves has just gone inside for cigars
He'll be back again in a jiffy

Please take a look at my etchings
There are some lovely one's of the moon
I bought them at Harrods this morning
Along with a fine silver spoon

Friendly Cheese

2010-03-19T07:57:00.000-07:00

Friendly Cheese

Come friendly cheese and fall on cows
There is no reason to go there now.
They moo and grunt and cluck like hens
They spill their butter on the lens

The camera clicks the shutter blinks
The cheese is off and really stinks
My yoghurt pot is all askew
Just what Am I to do with you?

Give me one reason to shut the gate
To stop the hairy things escape
They are no good for man nor cheese
Grind them up for sausages please.

Ali Basham's Eyeball

2010-02-24T01:36:00.000-08:00

Ali Basham's Eyeball

Ali Basham's eyeball was a fine sight
Glowing by the fire in the bright moonlight
It was the fairest eye in town
One day pink and the next day brown

Ali Basham's eyeball did sparkle so
It twinkled in the mid day snow
It winked and blinked and jiggled around
One day it popped out with a horrible sound

Ali Bashum's eyeball was a fine fellow
Sitting on a cushion of blue and yellow
It oggled and boggled and looked at me
The fairest eyeball I ever did see!

Your Early Morning Alarm Call

2010-01-19T03:52:00.001-08:00

Your early Morning Alarm Call

Its your early morning alarm call!
I've been shouting up the stairs
I've been rattling the pots and pans
The gong has been sounded
I'm slapping the wall with my hands

It's your early morning alarm call!
I've shouted three times already
Twice with a giant megaphone
And once with some rolled up bamboo
Fashioned into a comical cone

It's your early morning alarm call!
Have you gone back to sleep?
Have you pulled the duvet over your head?
It's getting late now and so
I'll have to tip you out of the bed!

Are You Ready For Blancmange?

2010-01-11T08:50:00.000-08:00

Are You Ready For Blancmange?

Are you ready for blancmange
In the shape of a submarine?
Are you ready for cheese sandwiches
Made into tiny bi-planes?

Are you ready for cake
Shaped like a fake snake?
Are you ready for jelly
That wobbles like Granma?

Are you ready for custard
That you can stand your spoon up in?
Are you ready for sausage rolls
Made from textured vegetable protein?

You'd better go next door then
Thats where the party is!

A Christmas Dream

2009-12-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

A Christmas Dream

Crackers to you and nuts of the season
Lovely mince pies with dollops of cream on
The warming glow of ginger wine
A tree with the lovely smell of pine

A joke, a hat and a plastic gew-gaw
Some bits of holly nailed to the door
Hanging lanterns and paper chains
The ever increasing weight gains

Time to stagger off to bed
Your paper hat upon your head
Fall asleep and begin to snore
Peace on earth for evermore

Tangle Beard

2009-11-30T11:57:00.000-08:00

Tangle Beard

If your beard's in a tangle
Try putting it through a mangle
If that doesn't seem to work
Comb out the knots with a fork.

If your beard's all sticky with toffee
Try washing it out with beer from the "offy"
If that doesn't seem to do it
Pull it off and then re-glue it.

Emergency Beards

2009-11-29T03:22:00.000-08:00

Emergency Beards

I have three emergency beards on my wall.
One dark, one grey and one sandy
I've never had a occasion to use them atall
But you never know when they'll come in handy

Leaving Puddles

2009-11-23T06:05:00.000-08:00

Leaving Puddles

The librarians withering look
spoke volumes
As she gingerly handled
the sopping wet book
The novel way my duffle coat sleeve
acted like a down pipe
"Is it raining outside?" she enquired
as more water splashed onto her shoe.

Leaving puddles on the floor
I looked up
The droplet on my nose wobbled
and sploshed onto my toes
"No" I said, "Just a little poetic
dribble".

Chamber Of Chills

2009-10-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

Chamber Of Chills

Step right up for the chamber of chills
Swallow these enormous pumpkin sized pills
Feel your head turning orange and green
Like a big ball of wool covered in cream

Strap yourself in to the runaway coffin
With just enough room for a skull and a boffin
Whose pouring a green liquid from outer space
And dwiddling some dials on your terrified face

See all the humpty back ghouls in their pits
Covered in vile gravy thats full of brown bits
And what's this I've found on the end of my tweezers?
A petrified wigwam full of old geezers

If You Go Down To The Woods Today

2009-09-28T23:47:00.000-07:00

If You Go Down To The Woods Today

If you go down to the woods today
Watch out for the big floating eyes
The bears will be there too
Waiting for a big surprise

If all the bears that ever there was
Became hypnotised by the eyes
They would forget their picnics
Because todays the day for pies

Found Heads

2009-09-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

Found Heads

Found a nicer head today
Under the stairs in a cupboard
It lay - looking up at me
I put the old one away
Tied on the new head with cord

But I soon became bored
With this noggin too
Found another that was stored
Inside the coal bunker
Stuck it on with glue

Soon fed up with head number three
The way it twitched and flopped
Looked at me funny
Even with the hair all cropped
Its nose was runny

Head number four was the best
I found it in the attic
Wrapped in an old string vest
It grins and its hair stands up
When I comb it full of static

Just One Concerto

2009-07-30T05:32:00.000-07:00

Just One Concerto

Just one concerto
Give it to me
Drenching water stream
From Italy

Tomorrow will be too wet
The fire is out
My tubas and trumpets
No longer spout

Handel's Water Music
Is justly reliant
Forever spraying buildings
From my trusty appliance

The Great Flood

2009-07-16T23:46:00.000-07:00

The Great Flood

Noah quickly closed the door
As the rain began to pour
All the animals were snug inside
The ark's great wooden hide

"Wait for us!" the fishes cried
Looking up at the stormy skies
But they were glad they were left out
As the Ark went up in the waterspout.

Squirrel Impulses

2009-06-16T04:50:00.000-07:00

Squirrel Impulses

Nuts to those squirrel impulses
They make my brain itch
It makes my dandruff feel rough
Fluffs up my scalp like a witch

Nuts to those lemming aids
They curl my eyebrows
The tiny hairs in my ears quiver
Like the udders of mad cows

Nuts to that weasel feeling
You get when you eat carrots
It may may you see in the dark
But it gives you a beak like a parrot

Invermess

2009-05-18T05:47:00.000-07:00

Invermess

Welcome to Invermess
Where the streets are paved with thistles
The parks are full of recycled kilts
The pavements strewn with whistles

Piles of cornflakes everywhere
In every nook and cranny
Corners full of wrappers
From sweeties sucked by Grannie

Every garden every park
Has rubbish up to your knees
This town is messy but
Not as smelly as Dungdee.

Dusty Bluebells

2009-05-18T05:32:00.001-07:00

Dusty Bluebells

In and out the dusty bluebells
In and out the dusty bluebells
With my hoover in my grasp
Sucking up the dust
As the sun goes down at last

In and out the hoover goes
Underneath the flowers
Sucking up the seeds and stones
Beneath the shadey bowers

In and out the dusty bluebells
In and out the dusty bluebells
Around the flower tubs
Somethings blocking up the tube
I think it's worms and slugs

Angel Of The Hi-Fi Corner Fitment

2009-05-13T00:07:00.000-07:00

Angel Of The Hi-Fi Corner Fitment

Hi-fi
Corner fitment
It plays old bent records
They sound quite heavenly to me
Angel

Communication Blocks

2009-04-27T03:38:00.000-07:00

Communication Blocks

Erm erm- squiggle germ
Umm de umm de tiggle squirm
Oh it's - you know - er very
Much like mmmmmn.... whatsit
Erm erm - something heavy

Sam's Pig

2009-04-22T03:54:00.000-07:00

Haiku

Sam's pig looked up at the moon
I wonder - he thought
Is it really made of cheese?

The Great Train Robbery

2009-02-26T05:37:00.000-08:00

The Great Train Robbery

Zoot alors!
Quick fetch a gendarme
The thieving wretch has my train
Under one arm
Trying to swap it for a loaf
The awful oaf!

Mon dieu!
My chermin de fer
Has been stolen by a wily woman
With curly hair
Stop her before it's too late
And they close the crossing gate

Shoplifters

2009-02-26T05:12:00.000-08:00

Shoplifters

Shoplifters came and took my shop
They carried it off
With several others from our block
The butcher, the baker and the iron-mongers
I wonder where they took it?
Why did they leave the bookies
And the shop that sells knitting wool?
Did they think that wasn't cool?
Or maybe just too heavy
With all those pork chops.

The Snowman

2009-02-06T00:37:00.000-08:00

The Snowman

As I walked passed some leafless trees
I thought I heard a stifled sneeze
There around a holly bush
Was a snowman with a brush

He was sneezing ever louder
From his hat he shook some powder
A mighty sneeze then rent the air
And made me wet my underwear

A carrot shot past like a rocket
A lump of coal fell from its socket
His twiggy grin was there no more
Just a heap of slush upon the floor

Martian Poem

2009-01-13T13:04:00.000-08:00

Martian Poem

Pping ookOO AraEEdle!!
EEdEEdle EEt EEooFi OOk
Ppings OuBooDooF TEE eeNooTH
OOls EEoRee AllOO Um WAh Wappsli
Urbli E,E,E,F megoHILOh iCROheGoh
eggers Ohmme MeGOH ERo-Resi IcroH OO

Hi Ho Silver Sponge

2009-01-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

Hi Ho Silver Sponge

You look new every time. It's a pre-metric ratio
We had last Christmas, out of the big hoodoo
Mole smooth coat, banana bright mush
That gob rimmed eye like a tiny duckling
All for the spatter of cheese on a brush

Well, it's fluffed out, and well thumbed
Jabbing your tongs at old biscuit crumbs
While a piddock or two, so jelly like
They seem to drip extensive watery cress
On the handlebars of my bike

The Beautiful Vanity Of Slag

2009-01-07T00:22:00.000-08:00

The Beautiful Vanity Of Slag

The beautiful vanity of slag
which with noxious flu

Behind them heart, liver and kidneys
and indeed the tiny nostrils

Who gather by the briquettes
with their tiny rubbery bananas

Loose and collapsed umbrella
unfolding over party squeakera

The spiders feet and fingers
in the flared trousers

Also the frothy blob of custard
the sausages, with thin trails

Of dwarfs behind them and ofcourse
the overhead nuts and the descending

Broken tooth and brown like noodles
hair and the wooden lavatory seats

White elephant picnicking by the plughole
and the black metal balls and the nose

Which blows rustling the budgie
rustling the cheese roll as it goes by

Privy Council

2009-01-05T23:38:00.001-08:00

Privy Council

We are all gathered here today
To play some musical notes
On the big smiling instrument
Made from old ships buoys
Hand crafted in the sheds
Of old fisherfolk from driftwood
Casks and barrels
Bits of flotsam and jetsam
With the buzzing of insects
The chirping of birds
And the flush of the cistern

Thing Spring

2009-01-04T00:44:00.000-08:00

Thing Spring

little to thing to periwinkle
spring, to spring, a thing
spring, spring, a tears. fiddler
spring, fiddler for fiddler periwinkle
wing, for periwinkle on wing,
little a years, fiddler fiddler

(Poem put through the Dadaist Poetry generator - twice.)

Squid and Pygmies

2009-01-02T11:03:00.000-08:00

Squid and Pygmies

The manuring be lookin' nice,
The crack be in bloom,
Across vast l'aves grey backed trays
I've yur'd the vermin tune.

The rumbles be a pullin' out
The broccoli cut and nate
And father's plums be master strong
'En he's fungicides a trate

Us sausages in the house at all
For mother's on spring whistling
His bate feels like a rubber ball
Or whiten up a thistling

'En I've a faylin' like a giant rhubarb
To kick me logbarry art
Piled high with me warm pustules
In a dung encrusted cart.

Old Madame "Impossible"

2008-12-18T07:08:00.000-08:00

Old Madame "Impossible"

Old fowl casserole that I'm friendly with's
Taken a downturn: hennaed, bone fallen;
Bedraggled, triped. Shoes mud-caked,
worm infested. All the hard boiled egg
With their rubber tips have left her,
Only the baggy crow and the wood lice stay on.
She flaps about windily in her jumbo sized radishes
Flowery eyes glazed, with lots of warts
Of dissolution. Jelly and toffee.
Add their pig cubes to hers.
She keeps in a cardboard box,
Being fitted with a frosted fur-gloved ear.
Too wise to mention the wallpaper paste of hope.
Subversive forces which needs no pea sticks.

Planting A Bodger

2008-12-16T08:47:00.000-08:00

Planting A Bodger

The turnip, with earthy cloth cap, with a face,
Bursting with udders of long leafy snuff
A large shining boiler, abandoned teat cups,
Shall call my gooseberries of vigorous pumps.

This badger is a curios chattering nozzle,
To that gadget tweezered between two pieces of wire.
A few pitiful sprigs with dangling legs of ink.
The inflatable rubber moustache attached to the primer.

Travel Diaries Of A Worm

2008-12-16T08:36:00.000-08:00

Travel Diaries Of A Worm

I'd like to be a long fat armchair
And live in jungles near a pear
I'd writhe and reel, and twist and squirm
Around the shed, so tall and firm

I'd catch potatoes and around them coil
And make his bagels begin to boil
I'd crush him until he's nearly lumpy
And looking at his face quite grumpy

I would be coloured pink and navy blue
And look as bad as skunks can do
I'd squeeze my slugs and squash them thin
And only you will see my wormy grin

Performance Art

2008-12-16T08:27:00.000-08:00

Performance Art

At dusk the wingless hollow blob climbs
Her sea-squirts mast and lights her lamp
To lure the airbourne lump-sucker
Her wood louse ugly lavatory bowl
As though by magic beautiful
A chip of cold parsnip trowel

While cruising urgent belly upward
Line ten deep bun tins with X-chromozomes
And join the female sandwich surprise
To consummate her eleventh hour
Though common once in any heap
Those magic tadpoles now are flowers

Limerick

2008-12-16T08:19:00.000-08:00

There Was A Young Lady Of Leeds

There was a young lady of Leeds
Who was managing to crack some small seeds
Till she was rarely seen without
Some "cheap and nasty" white tile grout
And your specific management needs

Wigwam Warmer

2008-12-14T07:55:00.001-08:00

Wigwam Warmer

The wigwam contains-
Sage, scallop, shin, skate and suet outside
The blues, the greens, the dead skunk
Burn multi-coloured bee infested grease
And the wings of haddock and hot green paste
Clash in a cacophony of pineapple chunks

But with their serviettes well tucked in
There is a shimmering of muted doggy bread
Sinking through Droitwich
Amongst the valley glades of tuning forks

Harold The Worm

2008-12-14T07:48:00.000-08:00

Harold The Worm

His diet was sauteed graffiti
And milk, oats and objects trouves
Thimbles and 33 postmen's shoes
With sand to scour his ravioli

On whole canned pineapple he regaled
On a scalding hot face-flannel
And when his eyes and nostril channel
The light from his truncheon failed

Belgium

2008-12-11T07:44:00.001-08:00

Belgium

Belgium, where the native prawn
Peers from an old gum tree
Home of enchantment - remote and rare
Fair gem of the Northern Sea

Eskimos hunt the blue armadillo
And polish it's scales with brie
They knit their socks from the whiskers
Of the delinquent black-eyed pea

2008-12-11T07:36:00.000-08:00

Battery Driven Blips

Have test borings made
Poets in well drained soil
Fling the beam with a purple spade
Battery driven blips in oil

Secret of the compact folding shell
That chimney reveals
The modern midget buzz plant smell
Like the aftershave of eels

The Sleeping Mangle

2008-12-11T07:21:00.000-08:00

The Sleeping Mangle

The scent of penguin fills the air
Amid the sea-squirt sheets she lies
The curious scrolls in her hair
The sticky globules in her eyes

How many a changing puffin flip
But if the ball-like nodules race
Her oblong fruit broods over it
The silver turnips of the days

Changing Hutches

2008-12-10T02:28:00.000-08:00

Changing Hutches

I wish Changing Rooms would change my hutch
Just a few alterations and the feminine touch
It wouldn't take much.

Just the cracks filled and the straw moved about
The odd potted palm and some stencilled motifs
In the shape of some carrots or maybe a sprout
Perhaps a jacuzzi and Etruscan reliefs

Nothing pretentious,flashy or glib
Just a nice little pad for a cool guinea pig.

(From Taking My Human For A Walk compiled by Roger Stevens. Published by Macmillan 2003 )

The Old Curiosity Shop

2008-12-10T00:46:00.000-08:00

The Old Curiosity Shop

I opened the door and walked right on it
And found myself back on the outside again
I peered through the window and what did I see?
Myself - looking back from the inside at me!

I went round the back and knocked on the door
Something knocked back, and then gave a roar
I peeked through the letterbox, and to my surprise
I was staring straight into three bloodshot eyes.

I ran all the way home like a dog from a trap
And woke up my dad who was having a nap
"I remember that shop," he said with a frown.
"About ten years ago - they pulled the place down!"

(Taken from the collection Let's Recycle Grandad compiled by Roger Stevens. Published by A & C Black )

Mothmen

2008-12-10T00:10:00.000-08:00

Mothmen

The Mothmen from the planet Zog
Came to our house one night
Nibbled all our tasty clothes
Attracted by the light

They chewed my Dad's new trousers
And all my Mum's posh frocks
But flew back home to planet Zog
When they sniffed my brother's socks!

2008-12-09T08:10:00.000-08:00

The Electric Slug

I saw it advertised in a trendy magazine
"The Electric Slug" - it sounded the best
A Japanese electronic robot machine
For ridding your garden of all it's pests
It's a sort of cyber-pet
That doesn't need feeding or the vet
Just a battery and an electrician
In case it blows a fuse or gets
It's wires crossed when on a mission

It's clever sensors follow trails
The real slugs make (and also snails)
And when it catches up with them
It gives them quite a nasty jolt
Filling them with 10,000 volts
And for a piece de resistance
Bungs them over next door's fence!

2008-12-09T07:51:00.000-08:00

Alphabet Of Sick Fruit

A is for apricots under the weather
B is for bananas with yellow fever
C is for cranberries with a terrible sneeze
D is for dates with a horrible wheeze
E is for elderberries with water retention
F is for figs with a fungal infection
G is for grapes with bad flakey skin
H is for rose hips that need replacing
I is for incredible jumping plum disease
J is for juniper with knobbly knees
K is for kiwi fruit with galloping scurf
L is for lychees all covered in fluff
M is for mango with in-growing pips
N is for nectarine with old dry chapped lips
O is for oranges suffering from scurvy
P is for pineapple all jumpy and nervy
Q is for quince who are feeling unwell
R is for raspberries beginning to smell
S is for satsumas full of all kinds of woes
T is for tomatoes like a clown's nose
U is for unhappy lemons left out of the L's
V is for vanilla with no sense of smell
W is for watermelon feeling se-sicky
O dear, this last bit gets a bit tricky!
X,Y and Z fruits I never have met
So that is the end of my sick alphabet

2008-12-09T07:44:00.000-08:00

Sci-Fi Fo Fum

Sci-fi fo fum
I smell the slime of an alien
Be it green
Or be it smelly
It'll have to wait
While I eat this jelly

2008-12-09T07:31:00.000-08:00

Rabbit Haiku

Flo was a grumpy rabbit
The Victor Meldrew
Of the hutch thumper bunnies

Budgie Haiku

Poor pub budgie breathes in smoke
She begins to choke
And lays a smoke filled grey egg

(Written before the smoking ban)

Popeye Haiku

Olive went to kiss Popeye
But recoils, aghast
At the spinach on his teeth

2008-12-09T07:25:00.000-08:00

Laughing

I was laughing fit to bust
Laughing so much
I thought I'd pop
All the buttons on my shirt
I laughed so much it hurt

I just couldn't stop laughing
What a hoot!
I thought my sides would split
They did, and what's more
All my funny bones
Fell out upon the floor